An Original Feature: 8 Remakes that should never have happened – Part 2

Welcome to the second installment of “8 Remakes That Sould Never Have Happened,” an original feature on Original Sharp Says.

Today I complete the list with (in my opinion) four of the worst remakes ever to grace the silver screen, so brace yourselves, take a deep breath, and find out which remaining four remakes I’ve deemed so bad, that they should never have been allowed to happen:

#5 – Halloween (1978)/Halloween (2007)

The Original: HALLOWEEN takes us into the world of a mad killer, Michael Myers, who at a very young age (and without motive) stabbed his older sister to death. Locked away for many years in a mental hospital Michael escapes one night and returns to his hometown to continue his killing spree.

What went right? : In 1978 John Carpenter created what has been called “Perhaps the most influential and successful independent film ever made,” Halloween brought us the slasher genre, and introduced us to the embodiment of evil – Michael Myers.As Carpenter has said on many occasion, the appeal of Myers lies in the fact that he has no story, no motive. There is no explaination for his sudden, almost supernatural change, and a killer with no motive is far more dangerous. On Rotten Tomatoes, Halloween still scores a massive 91% for Freshness.

The Remake: On Halloween 1963, Haddenfield, 10-year-old Michael Myers, estranged and mentally unstable, is imprisoned in Smith’s Grove Sanitarium under the care of Dr. Sam Loomis for the murders of his mother’s boyfriend, his older sister, and her boyfriend. Now, 16 years later, he escapes and now in search of his baby sister Laurie and Dr. Loomis must warn the residents of Haddenfield and get to Laurie before Michael does.

What went wrong? : Where to begin? Carpenter, disinterested in a remake of the classic, reported gave director Rob Zombie carte blanche to do with the property as he wished. As a result, gone is the “shape” that was Michael Myers and instead we’re treated to a detailed, fully laid-out back-story that could’ve been taken directly from “The Devil’s Rejects.” It seems that despite Zombie’s reputed love for the franchise, he didn’t really understand it at all. No longer is Myers the unexplained product of a middle class family, but instead he’s an unfortunate child brought up by complete trailer trash with a whore for a sister. Terrible. Freshness rating – 26%

#6 – The Italian Job (1969)/The Italian Job (2003)

The Original: Before being murdered by the Mafia, criminal genius Robert Beckerman masterminds a plan to steal $4 million worth of gold bullion from an armored car in Turin, Italy. The ambitious heist is taken over by Beckerman’s friend and small-time crook Charlie Croker, who organizes a motley group of thieves bankrolled by jailed kingpin Mr. Bridger. To pull off the plan, the gang must tie up traffic in the center of the city to divert attention from the robbery, block police pursuit, and ultimately make off with their booty undetected.

What went right? : Michael Caine, Car Chases, Stunts, a stellar cast and possibly the most famous British one liner of all time – “You’re only supposed to blow the bloody doors off!” The film was an instant hit in the UK and has acquired a massive following around the rest of the world too; The Italian Job scores 87% Freshness on Rotten Tomatoes.

The Remake: In Venice, Italy, a team of expert thieves pulls a daring heist of 35 million dollars in bars of gold. One of the thieves betrays his companions and swipes the gold for himself. One year later, in Los Angeles, the surviving team members create a smart and devious plan to steal back the gold and get their revenge on the traitor.

What went wrong? : Admittedly this movie isn’t bad, but as a remake I would consider it to be absolutely awful. It has none of the cockney charm of the original, and in an effort to up the action the movie seems to have lost the spark that made the first film the pride of Britain. And of course there’s no Michael Caine. Still, despite my bitching this film still scores 73% Freshness on Rotten Tomatoes.

#7 – The Omen (1976)/The Omen (2006)

The Original: American ambassador Robert Thorn and his lovingly dedicated wife are expecting a child. But when the infant is stillborn a mysterious Italian priest convinces the diplomat to clandestinely adopt another of the hospital’s newborn children. Thorn takes the priest’s advice without telling his wife about their loss. After five short happy years together, things start to go wrong: the family’s au pair commits suicide, Father Brennan warns Robert about the child’s strange nature, and an archaeologist tries to convince ambassador Thorn that the boy is the anti-Christ incarnate.

What went right? : Although this film is notably similar to “The Exorcist” in many ways, Richard Donner’s phenomenal work successfully stands alone and many of it’s themes have been firmly engrained into popular culture. And as well as notorious scenes like “the decapitation,” and the nanny’s suicide, the film quickly got the sinister reputation of being cursed after a series of life threatening accidents during production. Freshness rating – 81%

The Remake: US diplomat Robert Thorn substitutes an orphan for his own stillborn son in order to spare his unknowing wife the pain of losing her child. But after a series of grotesque murders and dire warnings, the Thorns come to the horrifying realisation that their child is the son of Satan.

What went wrong? : Sadly, the main motive for remaking this classic appears to be down to the convenience of the calendar (06/06/2006). Despite that, I feel that the performances of Liev Schreiber and Julia Stiles made this film entirely watchable. Despite my own feelings, the film was panned by the critics for it’s performances and the painting-by-numbers mentality of the piece. Freshness rating – 26%

#8 – The Wicker Man (1973)/The Wicker Man (2006)

The Original: Edward Woodward stars as Sergeant Howie, a naive young police officer sent to Summerisle, a secluded island off the coast of Scotland, to investigate the disappearance of a young girl named Rowan. When he arrives there, he finds a very tight-knit community that is mistrustful and hostile to outsiders. No one is willing to even acknowledge Rowan’s disappearance. Soon, Howie begins to realize that the town might, in fact, be a strange pagan cult, one given to unbridled sexuality and possible human sacrifice.

What went right? : Despite now being regarded a cult classic, The Wicker Man met with only moderate success during it’s initial release. It did win 1974 Festival of Fantastic Films in Paris but then proceeded to disappear into obscurity. It wasn’t until the American film magazine, Cinefantastique dedicated an issue to the film that it was appreciated for what it was, in their own words – “the Citizen Kane of horror movies.” Freshness rating – 91%

The Remake: THE WICKER MAN stars Nicholas Cage as Edward Malus, a policeman thrust into some dangerous detective work by a series of strange events that begin with a horrific car crash. This incident leaves the cop haunted, with images of the accident replaying in his heavily medicated mind. Edward’s hiatus from work is interrupted when he receives a mysterious letter from his ex-fiance, pleading with him to help find her missing daughter, Rowan. Against his better judgment, Edward travels to the remote, privately owned island of Summerisle, home to a close-knit, secretive community with a clear dislike for outsiders. Considering Edward an intruder, the Sisters of Summerisle offer little information regarding the missing girl. Edward is at a loss, finding even his ex-love Willow to be little help. What ensues is a strange blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah – bored yet? I am.

What went wrong? : Everything. Gone is every sign of the original movie, it’s twisted mix of pornographic images and horror to be replaced with a slow, paranoid situation in which Nicholas Cage just doesn’t do himself justice. And instead of suspense leading up to the fiery, grand finale, we’re left to site through scene after tedious scene of nothing. Freshness rating – 15% (and trust me, that’s generous!)

With thanks to Rotten Tomatoes, The IMDB and Wikipedia